Blink – and – Gone

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

It was good to hear Donna Partow speak at Word of Grace.  She is a hard-hitting John MacArthur, while I am more ready for a thoughtful, meditative Sister of Canaan.  Nevertheless, she brought me before God and Christ in a personal way.

Like my time with my writers editing group earlier in the day, Donna made me realize how far distance and distraction have taken me away from total reliance on God’s goodness.  Secular and business “duties” have interrupted my meager attempts to read the Bible, attend church, and pray.  I keep excusing these lapses because I am trying “to do the work of God.”  How much I need to remember that God does his own work, and to the extent that I am separated from Him, I will become less and less useful.

Vic and I have the Blue Top condo rented as of Thursday.  On our way to the cabin in the mountains this weekend, we will be able to listen to the Carlton Sheets real estate investing CDs that I ordered while in Washington.  I think both of us have previewed his information at least twice before. One more time seems to be in order.

This has been an expensive year for us thus far.  We have traveled extensively, with one week in North Carolina, one week in Nashville, my week in D.C. for the NOW conference, and my trip with Jamie to Missouri.  We’ve also financed traveling for Justin and Jamie.

Money has continued to flow out of the coffers:  termite treatment for Blue Top, new curtains for the office, Dan’s final work on the Vernon house with the kitchen pantry, a new flower and vegetable bed in the front yard, two storage units, and extensive computer repairs that turned into a new computer overnight…all of these expenses have gobbled up every penny deposited and what our bank savings held on reserve.  I had to move $2000 from savings just to pay the Sam’s Club bill, something I had hoped to avoid.  Vic is right.  We need to support our daily living expenses with the income we have.  Until then, how can we even think of him retiring?

At least I am sitting at the computer for enough time to write a decent journal entry.  How long has it been?  Last night, editing Judy’s chapters for her book, I was reinvigorated by the writing process.  The Writer’s Life, by Annie Dillard, read on the plane to D.C. evoked so many smiles of recognition.  Is this where I’m supposed to be, in front of the computer again, spinning words?

What does it say about my writing, that I was willing to lose it all in the computer meltdown of the past few months?  Words, laboriously collected and ordered on the page…hours, months, and years of wordsmithing work…all lost?  In a puff of <delete> and <reformat>, the words blink dark…forever lost?

Maybe this is the final letting go God requires of me.  If pride won’t allow me to let go of my words, perhaps I am not fit to write.

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