January 15, 1998

Hi, my name is Jane. I’ve written a book. Will you be my agent, please?
Yes, just sign on the dotted line.
What will I get, if I sign?
Depends.
Depends on what?
Depends on if I sell your book.
How do I know you will try to sell my book?
Depends.
Depends on what?
Depends on how good your book is.

–Pause–

My kids like my book.
Of course.
My friends like my book.
What choice do they have?

–Pause–

Why don’t you read my book?
I’m busy.
Doing what?
Selling books.
Books you haven’t read?
I’ve read the book proposals.
Oohhhh…this is a concept market. I get it. Well, then, here’s the concept…
Wait. I need the book.
Why?
Because I need to see how well you write the concept? Can You Write??!!
Glad you asked. Here’s the book.
Could you reduce that, please, to three chapters, starting with the book proposal?

–Pause–

Look, before I go any further, how…if my book is good enough for you…would you sell my book?
Let me have it, and I will give you feedback from the publishers.
How long will that take?
A year…
…or more.
A year?
Are you in a hurry?
Well, I wrote it in a month, I read it in a day….

–Pause–

…I hope you aren’t offended by my asking. Have you sold any books for other authors?
Depends.
Depends on what?
Are you counting future possibilities?
Are you serious? What do you mean?
Well, I’m waiting to sell the first book. Once I do, then I can tell publishers I have sold a book, and then they will buy a book from me.
Wait. If you have to sell a book in order to be able to sell your first book…why do I need you?
Because.

–Pause–

None of the publishers will accept an un-agented manuscript.
What does that mean?
You need me. Sign here.

–Pause–

Are you serious about being a writer?

–Pause–

Depends.