Published April, 2000
Classes Help Divorced Parents
Focus on the Positive
Any adult who has experienced divorce, knows the pain and anguish of this conflict. Worse yet, is the divorce that involves children.
Mother and daughter team Georglyn Rosenfeld and Natalie Cawood, have an important message for families in the midst of the divorce process. “Stay focused on your children. This is the reason for your continuing relationship and communication with each other.[i]”
Helping adults plan a healthy life for their children is the focus of their three-hour class, offered as part of the Superior Court program to assist parents in the divorce process. The classes, “What You Need to Know to Help Kids Survive a Divorce,” explore the effects of divorce on children and what parents can do to help their children survive.
Georglyn Rosenfeld points to statistics that show 50% of divorced parents return to court less than a year after the divorce, fighting over their children. In an effort to help these families, the legislature passed a law three years ago requiring divorcing parents to attend education classes about the effects of divorce on children.[ii]
Rosenfeld and her daughter hope to alert parents to the effect divorce will have on their children. “I have on my web page quotes from kids, dozens of quotes. [Parents] get their kids on the web page, and it helps open up the topic to them. They see what another nine-year-old boy said about divorce.”
While parents are often focused on the personal adult conflict, their children are suffering. Even as early as one year of age, children may experience a fear of abandonment, sleep problems, and regressive behaviors such as clinging and whining.
Rosenfeld points to new studies challenging previous assumptions. “They used to tell us under age five, it’s harder. Now they say it’s harder on teenagers. They’re getting ready to launch out on their own. They want a secure base. They also want their own relationships. And if Mom and Dad can’t keep it together, how can they possibly believe in a long-lasting relationship?”
Rosenfeld and her daughter Natalie know first-hand the hurt and pain of divorce, after Rosenfeld and her husband parted. This helps each of them relate to the personal struggles of the people who attend their classes. Information and advice is packaged with love and understanding. “Did you see the man hug me after class tonight?” Rosenfeld asks. “That’s not unusual. I have bikers, construction workers, big rough burly men…come up and say, ‘You know, I can’t believe you feel my pain as much as you do.’”
Yet, Rosenfeld delivers no-nonsense, on-target advice. Their class is all about reducing conflict in the lives of the children. “Let the children feel loved and supported by both parents.” For the sake of the children, parents must learn to set aside their anger. Most importantly, counsels Rosenfeld, “Let the children have unlimited access to both parents.”
She acknowledges, in light of the anger produced by divorce, these goals are hard to achieve. But based on their strong Christian faith, Rosenfeld and Cawood tell their classes forgiveness is required, even if it seems impossible at the time. “They say it’s unforgivable. They find it very hard to forgive. But that’s when I usually see tears streaming down peoples’ faces. They know they have to forgive.”
While people of all faiths attend their classes, Rosenfeld believes her Christian faith crosses all boundaries. Her message, even as a divorce begins, focuses on healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation. And a local church donates Bibles which people can take with them, free of charge.
Additionally, divorce can be especially painful for Christians. “They have a double problem with divorce.” She counseled a pastor who “definitely needed a spiritual counselor to help him reconcile this in his beliefs of God and right and wrong. His torment was greater.”
While their class deals with the pain of divorce and conflict, Rosenfeld is encouraged by signs that people accept her advice. One excited father told Rosenfeld he couldn’t believe it when his ex-wife called and offered him unlimited access to the children. In class, his wife had learned how harmful fights for visitation were, and she made a decision to change.
Even Grandparents thank Rosenfeld for her help. They enroll in her class just to learn how to help their grandchildren and children through the divorce process.
Best of all are the times when a couple in the midst of divorce proceedings agrees to attempt a reconciliation. Rosenfeld hopes more and more couples will give serious consideration to restoring a healthy marriage. “If we could get people, especially Christians, to come to theses classes or send their friends to these classes, I think they would think about filing for the divorce and see what they could do to reconcile.”
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For information on their classes and book, contact Rosenfeld and Cawood at:
www.divorceandkids.com or phone (480) 946-9680
Book by Laurene Johnson and Georglyn Rosenfeld, Divorced Kids, What You Need to Know to Help Kids Survive a Divorce,” is available at www.amazon.com and on Rosenfeld’s website.